Twenty-Seven and Dating

At twenty-seven years old, your Facebook Feed and Instagram Account are no longer sprinkled but showered with happy marriages, friends with beautiful babies, and the apparent perfect romantic life. You feel like you shouldn't mind. You're a strong independent person pushing through life with strength and vitality, but sometimes these posts, images, and words cause a pang in your chest because you wonder if you'll find that one day. And too, at twenty-seven, you've been dating for a decade and you're tired. You don't know where to look, and you don't always have the time or energy to do so.

And when you're like me (and many others) and you battle with anxiety and depression through all of this, you may start to feel like you are not sure if you're valuable. If you are valuable, then why haven't you found that person after so much heartbreak, so many sexual encounters, bad dates, long-term relationships?

Almost two years ago, I was in a serious relationship. I thought this was it. I was completely and utterly entranced by this person and at first, it was amazing. But as a look back now I see the relationship for what it was. It was love that turned into manipulation and gaslighting. I changed myself completely for this person, I lost myself. And I told myself it was worth it, he was worth it. When that relationship ended and I returned home I felt my value was lost and I was in the worst period of depression I had experienced in a very long time. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I felt fat, ugly, worthless, broken and unable to stand back up and move forward.

I learned a lot from this time. And much of what I'm about to say is far easier to say than to do. But I spent a year doing these things:

1. Finding what I wanted to do. Not what others expected of me.
2. Embracing my passions and making strong friendships through those passions.
3. Analyzing my behaviors and emotions.
4. Going to therapy and asking for help when I didn't know what else to do-- including taking medication to balance out my depression and anxiety.
5. Taking care of myself by going to the doctors' appointments I should have made but I hadn't for years.
6. Moving. Making the changes I felt could help me start fresh.
7. Dating-- the good and the bad!

When you have depression and anxiety, you can't control the thoughts and emotions you go through, but sometimes you can change how you respond to them, how you behave in response. And that is something I'm still working on and takes a lot of self-reflection.

In August of last year, I met Joshua. It was a Bumble date (a dating app). I wasn't even thinking about it too seriously because I had quite a few bad bumble dates and went on this date with the thought "Well, he's cute, just have fun." We've been together ever since.

I'm not saying these steps are the answers to finding love. Everyone goes through different experiences and needs to work out steps for themselves. My main piece of advice is this, remind yourself of these things:

1. You are valuable. Even if you feel others don't see it. Someday, someone will and that is lovely but as long as YOU know it, that's what matters.

2. You are not alone. Questioning your value and feeling lost is something many people go through. maybe everyone else seems to have found ultimate happiness- but they were there once, they weren't sure what to do either.

3. You are strong.

4. Ask for help.

5. Don't fear change, jump into it.

When you're dating for a decade you notice that meeting people is more difficult. The dating pool is dwindling. And everyone has "baggage." I implore you to change that word from baggage to learning experiences. One thing that really, really, helped Joshua and me to bond immediately was our experience. I recently went through terrible heartbreak and so had he. We both spent significant time and effort to analyze our pasts, our behaviors, and what we could do to improve ourselves. I think this is key. We both analyzed our past relationships-- and one part of this is accepting blame for what was your fault (and to recognize what WASN'T). "What could I have done better for my partner but also for MYSELF?" Sure, the end of every relationship is not always your fault, it's not always your flaws that ended it. Maybe you dated a complete asshole. But then you analyze "why did I date that asshole for so long?" or "what parts of me did I lose in the process?" "what negativities did I contribute to it?"

It's important to recognize what you can do better for yourself and your partner. One point that I also think Josh and I do well is communication. It sounds simple but it's not. I've spent past relationships with the thought "This isn't something that is worth talking about, it will just upset him" but if you don't talk, resentment builds. Yes, if it's something frivolous it's important to let it go when necessary but not if it happens frequently (then is it really frivolous? No). And sometimes you have to process what you want to say and how to say it with love and respect-- don't just shout! But don't say you'll think about it, and forget it. And I'm not saying this is happily ever after for me, but I think it is, and it is definitely the best relationship I've been in. And that's because we've both learned so much in our lives. He sees my value and I see his. But we found our own first. We respect each other, our pasts, and our opinions (and we don't always agree). We wake up every day choosing each other, choosing to think about our actions and our words. And sometimes we falter, we miscommunicate or don't notice something hurtful we've done-- but we talk about it, we point those things out to each other and process it together. It is work but it is worth it. You are worth it.

And of course, if you aren't interested in a relationship at all, the above is still important. Your value and loving yourself is something you should carry with you through your life regardless of your romantic situation. And it takes constant work to remind yourself you're valuable, but once you begin to believe it, changes will come. Positive changes.

Any comments are welcome.